My Mother-In-Law

This is my Mother-in-Law, Linda. The one on the left. This picture scared me a bit because I realized we look a bit alike. I was thinking my husband and I should look a little closer at the old family tree to see if we are related. Our possible biological connection isn't the topic here. It's Linda.

I was married for the first time at the ripe old age of 19. It was the longest 6 months of my life. One of the reasons it was so brutal was because my first Mother-in-Law was Satan's handmaiden. I'm not joking-that woman was so evil it wasn't even funny. I could write a whole book on all the nasty stuff she pulled....maybe I'll save that for another time. I have to be grateful though, she paid for the entire divorce. I only had to pay for the annulment. As a side note-annulments crack me up. For the low price of $400 dollars the Catholic Church declared that I had never been married. Despite the fact that the Church said she was never my Mother-in-Law, I still have nightmares about her and harbour a deep, dark desire to smack her.

When I made the decision that my current husband was going to marry me, whether he liked it or not, I was a bit afraid because I knew I would have to deal with another MIL. I confess to being absolutely terrified about meeting her. My husband had shared a ton of stories about Linda and in all of them she came off as some kind of superwoman. It was with much trepidation that I made the long drive to Transcona (or as I call it-the Motherland) to meet her for the first time. Entering into that house was like stepping into some 50's sitcom. She was perfect, organized, and highly protective of her cub. We danced around each other for a fair amount of time. We are both pretty strong and opinionated (of course I have learned that Linda's opinions are usually the right ones and I call her for advice on big stuff). I admit we got into some scrapes...mostly because I didn't know what to do with how absolutely normal, loving, accepting, and giving she was. I didn't grow up with a mother like that so she kind of caught me off guard.

Linda is truly an amazing woman and I couldn't ask for a better grandmother for my children. She has made my kid's Halloween costumes, sewed all sorts of special blankets that they cherish like crazy, made them amazing birthday cakes, read to them, made Christmas cookies with them, attended more of my kid's sporting events then I have, sends them postcards from everyplace she goes for vacation, always seems to get just the right gift, makes every holiday special, and (most importantly) loves them unconditionally.

Linda has also been an incredible mother to me. I really hit the jackpot with her. She has always encouraged me, helped me when I needed it in any way she could, given me an example of what a mother and wife should be, bought me great Christmas sweaters, brought me back nasty thick rum from Cuba, gave me countless tips on cooking without even knowing it, didn't put up too much of a fight when her son said he was marrying me, turned a blind eye when I've raided her freezer and eaten her dainties, and (I like to think) has loved me unconditionally....except when she has wanted to smack me for something stupid I've done.

I hope I can be half the Mother-in-Law she has been. And don't get any ideas...she's mine and I'm not sharing.

Live in the Now Man

We have become a society that waits. Folks sit around waiting for things to be just so. When things are just so, they figure they can really start living. When they get that expensive car they have been waiting for or when they get that fantastic house they have been holding out for, everything will be gravy. That always makes me kinda sad. People waiting to get before they can live. Life is now. Life is right in front of us and it is truly delicious. I know a ton of people who spend their time shopping, waiting, and wanting to get everything they think they need and I want to smack them. Put your credit card away and sit. Just sit and enjoy. Take a look around you. Now take a deep breath. It doesn’t matter what season it is. If you are sitting and relaxing and you take a great big nose full-it will smell great. Clear your mind of all the wants and needs that you think you have and drink in the day (or night). I think that most folks are filled with sadness because of that long list of things they think they need. It honesty sucks my will to live when people talk about their fancy new cars or newly built and professionally decorated monster houses. I start to clue out and think of potato chips as they describe all the little soul sucking details. Today I am enjoying a long list of very simple things:

• A good cheesy romance novel I took out from the library
• A beautiful sunny day that deepened the old summer tan
• An awesome dinner of meatloaf and mashed potatoes
• A badly groomed shih tzu who just wants to cuddle on my lap
• The joy of looking at the kids I made (with a little help of course)
• A really good rum and coke made by my extraordinary husband
• The idea of slipping into my bed in a cabin that needs a fair amount of TLC, which I won’t lose a minute sleep over

I also believe that in order to start living and enjoy the little things, you need to clean house. Not literally-don’t be crazy! I mean you have to get rid of the things that make you miserable. I have always been fascinated with the way people will keep folks in their life even when these folks make them unhappy. If somebody’s sole purpose is to take pleasure in making you feel bad- show them the door and tell them not to let it hit them in the ass on their way out. Just because you’ve known somebody since you were in diapers doesn’t mean you should give them a pass for every stinky thing they do to you. You have the right to be treated with respect and to be loved unconditionally (unless you’re one of those Predators I just saw in that movie-they don’t deserve to be loved unconditionally).

There is nothing wrong with guarding your happiness like Lindsay Lohan guards her cocaine stash. Clean out your trash, set limits regarding how much shitty behavior people in your life can get away with, and start enjoying the right now. Trust me-you're worth it.

Real Friends Carbo Load

Maintaining female friendships is like walking barefoot through a weedy lawn. You never know when you'll step on thistles so you have to pick your steps carefully with the full knowledge that one wrong move and you'll be screaming in pain. Women don't fathom why men don't understand us better. Can you blame them? We don't understand each other, so men don't have a hope in hell.

Remember way back to grade school? Remember hanging out with groups of girls who you could never trust? Remember them turning on you in a flash? Remember that awful feeling of being totally alone as your former friends turned their backs on you? This is the reason why I, for the most part, picked male friends. They were pretty hard to offend, they were always fun, and they knew how to keep a secret.

One of my very best friends was a boy I met in third grade. His name was Derrol and as soon as our eyes met across the crowded classroom, we each knew we had found our partner in evil. There were no restrictive girl type rules on what we could or could not do. Nothing was off limits and our imagination ran wild with one new adventure after another. My memories of Derrol and all the ridiculous things we did together still make me laugh.

Our friendship carried on through the years and withstood years of separation when I moved to another province. Letters were exchanged and we would save our allowance to make periodic long distance calls. When I moved back at the age of 15, we picked up as if I had never left. It was during the summer between grade 11 and 12 that Derrol gave me a chance at something I had never had before: a friendship with a girl. He introduced his friend Cheryl to me before he left for a one year stint as an exchange student in Germany. I knew she was the one for me when she jumped on the idea for our first activity without Derrol: crashing a convention for lawyers. My theory was that it was a perfect place to meet men and she agreed. Our searching turned up nothing that day but I think we both realized that we had found something pretty special in each other.

Memories of our friendship have created a crazed mosaic that can only be interpreted by the two of us: school, our first apartment together, marriage, divorce, good and bad men, acts that bordered on the illegal, and death. Cheryl and I had stopped talking for a couple of years over something I'm sure neither of us can remember. It was during this time that Derrol gave us his final gift. We had all lost touch with Derrol for reasons that will remain private. One day Cheryl's mother saw his obituary in the newspaper. Cheryl called me to tell me and the pain I felt in that moment is something I'll never be able to describe. We slowly began to exchange phone calls and were able to find our way back to that friendship we used to share.

It has been years since Derrol passed away and Cheryl and I are back in the swing of things. Granted, we are bit too old for activities that border on the illegal and she tends to fall asleep on my couch when she visits (which puts a real crimp on anything that might take place after 9:00 pm). She is visiting this summer and I plan to put her down for an afternoon nap so I can take her for another late night skinny dip at my cabin. She told me that she had better stop eating carbs before the event. I informed her that with true friends one can carbo-load before skinny dipping and know that their secret is always safe. That's what good friends do.

Things I Thought About While Making My Class Watch A Boring Video

This afternoon I ran a documetary in my Geography class. Students are different than they used to be. Used to be that when students walked into a classroom and found out they were going to see a film, it made their week. Not anymore. Kids are jaded. They want a choice of new releases, hot buttered popcorn, chips, dip, and something to wash it down with. Even then they'll complain. So, I shouldn't be surprised that my students didn't fully appreciate The People Bomb. I had to shush them constantly as I cruised the internet.



I used my time wisely. I started to imdb all of my favorite movies. I decided that I should make a list of the 10 best and worst movies ever made. I feel I am very qualified to pass judgement in this area. I love movies. I'd kill to be a movie reviewer. I'd also kill to be a restaurant reviewer. I'd REALLY kill to be a movie/restaurant reviewer, but I don't think that job exists....yet. So here are my lists. I'll start with the best:

1. Sid and Nancy: Oddly enough, I fell madly in love with Sid. I think that was an indication of the trouble I was going to have with men (until I met my husband of course).
2. Gigi: I can never resist watching this movie when I catch it on television. I think I've seen it well over a hundred times. I know I should be offended. The whole movie is about peddling a young girl off as some rich guy's tart. Still......
3. Gia: I love this movie! Brutal warning to women who worship at the alter of beauty.
4. Domino Harvey: I don't know how this movie isn't on everybodies list. I mean, that whole lap dance scene is enough to make it a classic.
5. Black Hawk Down: I have worn out 3 discs of this movie-that is how much I love it. I can quote whole scenes if need be. Sadly, there never seems to be a need. I'm still trying to figure out a way to show this to students.
6. Scarface: My friend Cheryl and I had a horrible drinking game to go with this movie. It involved 2 litre bottles of coolers and oreo cookies for every death. We watched for different reasons: she wanted to be Elvira and I was in love with Tony. Once again, early indication of potential issues with picking men.
7. Shaun of the Dead: Shaun reminds me of two of my high school boyfriends. I love his dedication to saving his girlfriend, his mom, and his roomie. His whole zombie-safe-place plan is seriously flawed but I respect his desire to ensure cocktail service during a crisis.
8. The Family Stone: I know it is a major cheesy movie but I love it. I have a copy for the lake and for home. I cry every time. I went to see it the first time with my two lovely nieces and we thought it was going to be a full on comedy. We were a bit ashamed when we kept breaking out in tears. Little eye contact was made upon exiting the theatre.
9. Super Troopers: I once dragged my friend Cheryl to the lake in the middle of winter so we could watch it at the cabin. I didn't have a copy here and it just seemed like the logical solution.
10. Trainspotting: Adults think that if we give kids long lectures on drug abuse they'll stay away from the stuff. I disagree. Show them Trainspotting. Best anti-drug movie every made. Brillant movie and a brillant book.
    

Now for the stinkers:

1. Avatar: Haven't seen it but I hate it.
2. Titanic: Are you kidding me? This movie was so horrible. I was actually cheering for the iceberg by the end.
3. Twilight: We ended up watching this at the lake when we realized we had seen every other movie at the rental place. My daughter was 16 then and even she was gagging. This movie is beyond stupid and it is every guidance counselor's nightmare. They get to deal with hundreds of girls who think that this is romance. It really does border on an abusive relationship. Rankles my feminist side.
4. Dances with Wolves: Yes, the Lakota really needed Kevin Costner to help them find buffalo. Note to Kevin Costner: read a book you moron!
5. Once Upon a Time in Mexico: This movie stunk in 2 languages. I was forced to go see it with a woman who picked movies based on what the actor looked like. It was 2 hours of hell. I asked them to turn the sound off but they weren't biting.
6. Blue Velvet: This movie was 5 kinds of crazy. I watched it in 1986 and I'm still trying to figure out what it was about.
7. Meet the Fockers: Really? This guy wants to marry this woman after meeting this family? If your future father-in-law is that crazy, you run. I should have taken this advice when I met my first mother-in-law.
8. I am Legend: Did they really have to kill the dog? That ruined the whole movie for me. Shame on you Scientologist Will Smith!
9. Any of those American Pie sequels: Know when to say no!
10. Lorenzo's Oil: I think only 20 people have ever seen this movie. I think 18 of them were people related to people in the movie. My husband and I are the other two.

Like it or lump it-that is my list.

The First Sign of Summer? Pea Salad!

I have foggy memories of eating this salad as a kid. Very foggy. My mother was into health food way before it became popular, so she NEVER would have made this. I must have sampled this ambrosia at some friend's house.



Whose mother grinds her own wheat for homemade bread? Mine! She also tried to pass off carob whole wheat cookies as chocolate chip cookies. This was just cruel and I'm sure she could have done time for child abuse if I had been strong enough to report her. My ridiculous fat and sugar free diet made it hard for me to gather the strength to dial 911. The woman used to buy this freshly ground peanut butter from the health food store. It tasted like wallpaper paste and had the same consistency. I used to dream of the day that I would be able to buy Kraft peanut butter and smear it on gooey white bread. I never even knew Wonder Bread made hamburger buns until I met my husband. My mother always made these uber whole wheat buns and that is what was served on hamburger night (Hamburger that she ground herself to control the fat content). The woman was mad!

This salad has no nutritional value. It has lettuce, tomatoes and peas but the cheese, bacon, and Miracle Whip cancel out the health benefits of the vegetables. Thank God! I make this all summer long at the cabin and it lasts about 1/2 hour each time. Competition can get ugly so you need to get in there fast and make sure you get a big enough portion.

To enjoy, follow these idiot proof instructions:

• Finely slice, wash, and spin the hell out of a head of iceberg lettuce. DO NOT use romaine. Ewwww!




• Layer the lettuce on the bottom of a clear bowl. The clear bowl is to ensure your guests Ohhh and Ahhh over your creative capabilities.




• Thinly slice purple onions and layer them on top of the lettuce.




• Add a layer of thawed frozen baby peas (one small bag should do it). I take them out of the freezer about 1/2 hour before I need them.




• Add a layer of diced tomatoes.




• Mix 2 cups of Miracle Whip (For God's sake don't use light!), 1 tablespoon of sugar, 3 tablespoons of cheap Parmesan cheese, and 2 tablespoons of milk. Layer that artistically over the tomatoes.




• Put a layer of shredded medium cheddar and follow that up with a lovely sprinkling of bacon bits.




• Hide it in the back of the fridge behind something disgusting so your family doesn't see it.




• Take your portion before you serve it to your family.

Enjoy!

Kentucky Fried Chicken: The Not So Silent Killer

When I was a stay-at-home mom, I used to make the trek to see my sister in Saskatchewan on a fairly regular basis. To most people, this might seem crazy because my sister has 6 children and I have 2 and getting them together means we are outnumbered. I was never afraid though, my sister has arms like Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2, so I knew she could protect me if things got ugly. I once watched (emphasis on watched because there was no way I was helping) her haul railroad ties around the backyard, while 8 months pregnant, so she could make her kids a huge sandbox.






My sister is a sucker for punishment. Despite the fact that she has a herd of children, she would always be inviting more over to play or sleepover. I mean, what kind of sick masochist does that? My sister, that's who. Her reasoning, which turned out to be completely sound, was that if you have more over you hardly see your own because they are too busy with their friends to bug you. Genius! It works like a charm. So when I got there I would only catch fleeting glimpses of my children. Usually, when they wanted to eat. This brings me to the whole thing of Kentucky Fried Chicken being a not so silent killer.





This particular event happened during a summer visit. The weather was lovely and the kids were busy running around outside. My sister and I formed our plan. We would tire them out, feed them lunch, and send them off for their naps. Once they were in bed she would race off and pick up Kentucky Fried Chicken for JUST the two of us. We would enjoy our meal in peace in the backyard and we wouldn't have to share. Now, this might sound very selfish but when we would take the kids to a restaurant we were guaranteed three things: we would go broke feeding them all, we could count on them filching food from our plates, and after the meal the table would look like a war zone and we would have to slink out in shame. Now and then, a mother just wants to eat a meal in peace without the risk of dirty little fingers stealing the best bits off her plate. We also would like to eat our entire meal without spills, fights, and tears. That day, victory was within our grasp.





Kids tired, fed, and tucked in. My sister hopped in the van and sped off to the only KFC in town. I made sure the little terrorists stayed in bed and fell asleep. Just as they were nodding off my sister returned with greasy bag in hand. She had this glassy eyed look that we both get when we know we're going to eat something we know we shouldn't. (My sister and I both have this strange little ritual we perform when we eat something really good: we gently rock side to side, close our eyes, and produce a string of happy sighs. My Dad thinks this is pretty funny.)

My sister barked out orders like the fine military leader she would have made. I was told to grab the coffee and ketchup and meet her in the backyard post haste. We sat down and spread out the bounty, being careful to make sure we divvied up things evenly, and dove in. Now my sister and I had become pretty fast eaters. You have to be when you're a mom. You don't know how much time you'll have so you better move. We were eating at the speed of sound and that's when it happened. My sister started to choke. By the sounds of it she had one huge chunk of chicken lodged in her throat. After some panicked coughing, choking, and a bright red face my sister dislodged the offending chicken and was able to breathe again. I freely admit that I did nothing to help her. I was too busy covering my food from any fallout.







You would think this near death-by-chicken experience would have produced cries of relief and hugs to celebrate her making it through this terrifying event. It did not. We went right back at it but we did slow down. I reminded her that the kids were asleep and this afforded us plenty of time to chew. There was no need to make like foie gras producing geese and shove food down our gullets. So we leaned back in our lawn chairs, basked in the afternoon sun, and sighed our way through chicken, fries, and that really gross green coleslaw that KFC insists on putting in their meals.

Death Match: Predator vs Barney

I freely admit that I mother by the seat of my pants. I'm pretty easy going about most things and leave my kids a fair amount of wiggle room. Despite this fairly lax attitude in most areas, I do have one hot spot. One area I refused to give on. Barney. My kids were not allowed to watch Barney.

Oh, I turned it on a couple of times to check it out but I could literally feel myself getting stupider. If it could affect me that quickly, imagine what it would do to my two innocent children. No, Barney was just plain evil. Don't even get me started on the Wiggles. If you want to have your kids watch a show with gay men on T.V., switch to Queer Eye for the Straight Guy because the Wiggles just give kids the wrong impression. No self-respecting gay man would drive around in a car like that, wearing sweaters like that, singing songs like that. Enough said.

So what is a stay at home mother to do if she boycotts Barney and shows of the same ilk? (Yes, I was a stay at home mom for years and stay at home moms, no matter what they tell you, need to flip on the old blue eyed babysitter once in awhile.) I made the decision that it was time for Predator to make its premiere in our home. Now, some would say that Predator is way too violent for young children to watch and that it will lead to horrible nightmares. I say the nightmares can't be any worse than those caused by some guy in a Barney suit singing that stupid "we all love everybody" song. I feel my kids have learned some very important lessons from Predator and I'm willing to list them:

1. Aliens are not nice and we should stop that whole trying to make contact with them.




2. You can be in a movie like Predator and still go on to be the governor of your state. Hell, Jesse "The Body" Ventura managed to do it after getting a basketball size hole blown through his gut in the movie. Now that's a lesson in perseverance!




3. You can use any of the handy booby trap tricks Arnold shows in the movie in case you are being pursued in the jungle.




4. Covering yourself in wet mud seems to make you invisible to those who are really angry and bent on hurting you. This could come in handy someday. One of your children might end up in a very unhappy marriage with a partner that picks on them constantly. Predator tells us that all you need to do is roll around in some backyard mud and you should become invisible to your overly aggressive partner. John should have used this tactic with Kate.




5. One character has a nervous habit of dry shaving with a pink razor when in stressful situations. This lets kids know that there is always time for good personal hygiene.




6. Predator only hunts those who are armed with weapons. This teaches kids that weapons are bad and owning one could cause a Predator attack. Now that's a good lesson!




7. Predator seems to really like going after those who hang around in large aggressive gangs. The guy on his own seems to have a better shot. Lesson learned? Gangs are bad and you should be your own person and that you don't need large groups of friends to feel safe. Large gangs make you a target for aliens.




8. Learning a second language is just a good idea. You never know when you might be stuck in some Central American jungle with a woman who only speaks Spanish while being pursued by an angry Predator. You don't want to get caught with your pants down on this one. My son is now learning Spanish for this reason alone.




9. Shooting willy nilly at nothing in particular is just a waste of ammunition. Actually, I learned this lesson in the Army Reserves but it is one that everybody should be reminded of now and then.




10. Arnold Schwarzenegger looks mighty fine sweaty and shirtless. Actually, that isn't a lesson for the kids. That was the just the bonus for me when I watched with the kids.

Christmas before last we went on a family trip with the kids to Puerto Vallarta`. We went zip lining at a location where they did a lot of the filming for the movie. Sort of a family pilgrimage. We had a hoot, except for when some guy dressed up as Predator jumped out of the jungle to scare me. I screamed like a woman possessed and almost knocked him out with my zip lining metal thinger. Lesson learned? Predator is very afraid of being hit by metal zip line thinger. Suffice to say that we would NOT have had the same fun on a visit to the Barney set.