10 Things Nobody Tells You About Marriage

Miraculously I have managed to stay married for almost 15 years. This is a pretty huge accomplishment since I'm no slice of joy to live with. I give most of the credit to my husband. The man has the patience of a saint.



I know some younger folks who are planning their first wedding. They are so filled with joy and cotton candy dreams about what life will be like once they are married. I have to bite my tongue when they tell me how wonderful their marriage will be and how they will not be the kind of couple to fall into nasty ruts. Hah! As an experienced veteran I know the truth. I battle with my inner demon over the question of telling them the truth or allowing them to live in their little fantasy worlds. I think I might just print up the following list and slip it into their mailboxes.

10 Things Nobody Tells You About Marriage

1. Your husband will develop ear and nose hair. You will notice these hairs and tell him that it might be time for a trim. You might even end up doing the trimming yourself.


2. Initially you will worry about what your husband is wearing and you will spend considerable time shopping for him and giving him advice on what looks good. Quicker than you will believe possible, you will stop caring. You'll have enough to worry about getting yourself and the kids ready. I have lied to my husband when he has asked me if items match. I figure if he doesn't know his colours yet, it's just too late.


3. Planning time alone once you have children will be like planning a military campaign. Much effort will go into it and there are bound to be casualties.


4. You WILL consider your husband snaking the tub drain a truly romantic act. As a side note: let him brag about the size of the clog. It will make him feel manly.


5. At some point in your marriage your husband will buy your Valentine's Day gift at Safeway. Just be glad he didn't shop at the gas station.


6. Don't fool yourself, your family is just as crazy as his is! In my case-crazier.


7. He doesn't care about the colour of the shower curtain. In fact, he really doesn't care about any colour schemes that you might be cooking up. In my husband's case-he doesn't even know what a colour scheme is.


8. He will have some crazy ritual that he does with his friends that will embarrass the hell out of you. I won't even say what my husband's is. Suffice to say that all the women who are partnered with his friends, along with me, just grin and bear it.


9. You will slave over a meal for him and serve it with pride and he will be totally grossed out. You. Not me. Everything I cook is great.


10. You will argue. You will scream and use language that no self-respecting trucker would be caught dead using. If you don't fight there is something seriously wrong with you. If your expectation going into marriage is that you will never fight you need to rethink this whole thing right now. Just throw a party for you and your friends and wear your dress to get the whole wedding thing out of your system.

Those are some of my truths. I don't make the rules I just live by them.

My New Obsession

I recently came back from my sister's farm in Saskatchewan with bags of lovely fall vegetables. My sister plants a garden that produces enough vegetables to solve a hunger crisis in a small third world country. She just needs them to arrange transport. My sister wants me to believe that she does this so she doesn't have to eat chemical laced produce from evil supermarkets. Truth is that, after having 7 children, she does it for the peace and solitude. If you want your kids to leave you alone just use the following magic phrase: "Want to come help me weed the garden?" From what I've witnessed, the phrase is guaranteed to give you hours away from your offspring.

Back to the issue of what to do with my bags of fresh produce. Faced with bags of beets, I had to come up with a solution fast. There was only so much beet borscht my family was willing to eat. I figured I could take care of the beets and the potatoes in one quick swoop. Mashed potatoes and beets were born. I did some checking and it turns out there are recipes out there for this marvelous creation but I guarantee you none of them are as good as this one. Mine is born of some serious consultation with the beet loving secretary who runs the school I work at. For a week we shared the results of our many experiments in the kitchen and the following is the addictive result:

• Cut up one huge beet into cubes and boil it for about 10 minutes in a pot full of salted water. To those who don't salt food: get lost! The beets take longer to cook so start them earlier than the potatoes.
• Add 5 large potatoes cut into large sections.
• Boil the whole thing until the potatoes are tender.
• Drain and mash with 1/2 a cup of butter, (Use butter, not margarine! Margarine is evil and should only be used to lubricate squeaky doors.), enough milk to get a smooth consistency, 2 nice size tablespoons of horseradish (This is the secret ingredient that sends this stuff over the top.), a teaspoon of kosher salt, and a ton of lovely black pepper.
• Beat the hell out of the potatoes. I like to use an electric mixer and just leave a few lovely chunks of beet floating around.

Serve these with anything, or nothing. My daughter prefers them on their own in a heaping bowl topped with even more butter. Bless her skinny soul! I think I might need an intervention over my growing obsession because my fat pants are getting snug. Oh, remember that beets will cause interesting results in the bathroom about two hours after consumption. Don't panic! You are not dying!