10 Things Nobody Tells You About Marriage

Miraculously I have managed to stay married for almost 15 years. This is a pretty huge accomplishment since I'm no slice of joy to live with. I give most of the credit to my husband. The man has the patience of a saint.



I know some younger folks who are planning their first wedding. They are so filled with joy and cotton candy dreams about what life will be like once they are married. I have to bite my tongue when they tell me how wonderful their marriage will be and how they will not be the kind of couple to fall into nasty ruts. Hah! As an experienced veteran I know the truth. I battle with my inner demon over the question of telling them the truth or allowing them to live in their little fantasy worlds. I think I might just print up the following list and slip it into their mailboxes.

10 Things Nobody Tells You About Marriage

1. Your husband will develop ear and nose hair. You will notice these hairs and tell him that it might be time for a trim. You might even end up doing the trimming yourself.


2. Initially you will worry about what your husband is wearing and you will spend considerable time shopping for him and giving him advice on what looks good. Quicker than you will believe possible, you will stop caring. You'll have enough to worry about getting yourself and the kids ready. I have lied to my husband when he has asked me if items match. I figure if he doesn't know his colours yet, it's just too late.


3. Planning time alone once you have children will be like planning a military campaign. Much effort will go into it and there are bound to be casualties.


4. You WILL consider your husband snaking the tub drain a truly romantic act. As a side note: let him brag about the size of the clog. It will make him feel manly.


5. At some point in your marriage your husband will buy your Valentine's Day gift at Safeway. Just be glad he didn't shop at the gas station.


6. Don't fool yourself, your family is just as crazy as his is! In my case-crazier.


7. He doesn't care about the colour of the shower curtain. In fact, he really doesn't care about any colour schemes that you might be cooking up. In my husband's case-he doesn't even know what a colour scheme is.


8. He will have some crazy ritual that he does with his friends that will embarrass the hell out of you. I won't even say what my husband's is. Suffice to say that all the women who are partnered with his friends, along with me, just grin and bear it.


9. You will slave over a meal for him and serve it with pride and he will be totally grossed out. You. Not me. Everything I cook is great.


10. You will argue. You will scream and use language that no self-respecting trucker would be caught dead using. If you don't fight there is something seriously wrong with you. If your expectation going into marriage is that you will never fight you need to rethink this whole thing right now. Just throw a party for you and your friends and wear your dress to get the whole wedding thing out of your system.

Those are some of my truths. I don't make the rules I just live by them.