My Son and the Side Boob Hour

I'm a bad Mom. I let my kids watch hours and hours of Family Guy. I've even purchased season collections for them. Worse is that I watch it with them. As much as possible. Then we drive my husband, who doesn't share our love of the show, insane with our constant references to the show. The quotes drive him right up the wall. This is just an added bonus.

Our favorite episode is PTV. This is the one where Peter, with the help of his dog and his baby, start their own television station. One of the fine shows they air is called The Peter Griffin Side-Boob Hour. A whole hour is devoted to men getting a chance to see some side boob. If you have a son you realize that they pretty much spend most of their time trying to get a look at any kind of boob and side boob ranks pretty high in forbidden glimpses. Actually, my husband says that it isn't just teenagers. All men do this.

My son got his first glimpse of free boob (free boob is our family's term for any boob a man gets to see in a public place without having to pay for it) when we were on a ski vacation in Banff. My husband was packing up the vehicle and my son was playing around at the back of the hotel. By chance, he looked up and there it was: FREE BOOB! A young woman was getting changed right in front of the window without a care in the world I think that, in my son's mind, he must of heard angels singing and harps playing. It was magical. He ran over to my husband to tell him what had just happened. My husband listened and told him that seeing free boob was just like finding a four leaf clover. My son could count on good luck for a long period of time because of it.

I felt lucky for a whole other reason. If he liked boob it meant I might be able to count on a grandchild from the kid. I was NOT worried about my boy being homosexual. I don't care what my kids are as long as their happy. Either way would have been fine with me. But the whole grandchild thing would have been harder and I might have been forced to wait longer. This is bad because I hate delayed gratification. My only worry is grandchild worry. I only have 2 kids and my daughter has made it clear that she will NOT be having children because they will touch her stuff and the mere idea of children touching her stuff is enough for her to say "NO" to the idea of having kids. In the end, I don't care who has one and how they have to go about getting it. I just want one. Sorry, that had nothing to do with side boob. I'll get back to that.

Last summer my son got his first job. He worked at the little grocery store at our lake. The store is full of women in bikinis in the summer. It isn't hard to see why my son likes his job. When he leaves for work he yells that he's off to watch side boob. One day he came home with a story to tell that went beyond the side boob. He had been standing at the counter watching a lovely young lady in a suit a couple of sizes too small for her when the boob gods smiled at him once again. She leaned over and her boob popped out. His vantage point was a definite asset because she couldn't see him looking at her. Low and behold, she didn't even notice right away! Took her a bit. When he told me the story I reminded him that it was a sure sign of good luck. He agreed that he had indeed felt pretty lucky.

Now I suppose that this whole idea of side boob and free boob should go against my feminist belief system. I suppose I should be telling him to never view women as objects of lust. In my own defence, I have raised him to treat women with much respect and that women have the same rights as men. He knows that violence against women is wrong. I should put an end to the notion of side boob and encourage him to look away. Maybe I should tell him to gently let the woman know that half of her hooter is hanging out. Maybe I should tell him to look away quickly if he sees anything remotely side boobish.

No. I don't think I'm going to that. I'm not going to ruin his fun. I'll let his future wife (who I am sure I won't like because she will never love him as much as I do) ruin it for him. I think I will continue to treat free boob and side boob kind of like I treated Santa Claus. Something magical that should be celebrated.

In the Hack with Lululemon

Lululemon claims to make yoga-inspired athletic apparel. Go to the website and you will see happy and healthy people looking great in the stuff. Lululemon has a dark side though. A side it doesn't want you to see or know about. Truth is, Lululemon is just clothing for fat chicks who jut want to wear sweatpants all the time. How could I make that claim? What evidence do I have? Truth is, I'M a fat chick who just wants to wear sweatpants all the time. This is my story.

Despite my yearning to get away with wearing sweatpants all the time, I stayed away from Lululemon. Sure, the pants were nice enough to wear to work but I am just way to cheap to shell out that kind of money. What person in their right mind spends $98 on something called a Groove Pant? Give me $10 and I'll find you a perfectly good pair of sweatpants from Value Village. You're on your own trying to get the Value Village smell out. I only agreed to find them and buy them for you.

I was forced to break my ban on Lululemon (I frequently place bans on places that offend me and then am forced to rescind the ban when my need becomes too great) when I took up the most embarrassing sport known to women. Curling. I am convinced that curling was invented by men so they could see just how huge our asses really are. Curling leaves a woman with very little pride. You get down into that hack (I just used the curling term "hack" here to impress my husband with my ever growing knowledge of curling terms) and you can't hide ANYTHING! So my friend told me I should just waddle on down to Lululemon and they would fix me up with some pants that would cover that whole mess up.

I went at the only time I figured I could buy something at a price low enough not to cause me to rant at one of the granola eating, non-armpit shaving, peace loving, employees. Boxing Day. They actually had a line outside the door with a velvet rope and a doorman. As soon as I made it inside I grabbed some of those fancy Groove Pants and headed to the changing room. I have to confess that I was expecting something pretty spectacular for that price. My sister claims that it hides every problem area. She lied. My laughter could be heard over the din of shoppers. Those suckers didn't hide anything. They actually accentuated every nasty flaw I had and I discovered a few new ones I hadn't known about.

I made another cruise around the store and headed for the clearance rack. That is where I found them. Something I hadn't seen since the 80's. No, not the Thompson Twins. Stirrup pants! Stirrup pants in all their glory. Yes, Lululemon makes stirrup pants. I snapped those suckers up and bravely faced the changing room again. It was then and there that I had my Lululemon moment. They fit, they hid, and they didn't ride up my leg. As well, they have this handy roll up waist that goes mid-back so I no longer have to suffer the agony of curling crack. And you know what? Those things only cost me $29 a pair. So I bought 3.

So, now I am a fat chick who gets to wear sweatpants all the time. Lululemon has not inspired me to become athletic but they have provided me with an inner peace that is supposed to come from yoga. I'm pretty pleased with that.