In the Hack with Lululemon

Lululemon claims to make yoga-inspired athletic apparel. Go to the website and you will see happy and healthy people looking great in the stuff. Lululemon has a dark side though. A side it doesn't want you to see or know about. Truth is, Lululemon is just clothing for fat chicks who jut want to wear sweatpants all the time. How could I make that claim? What evidence do I have? Truth is, I'M a fat chick who just wants to wear sweatpants all the time. This is my story.

Despite my yearning to get away with wearing sweatpants all the time, I stayed away from Lululemon. Sure, the pants were nice enough to wear to work but I am just way to cheap to shell out that kind of money. What person in their right mind spends $98 on something called a Groove Pant? Give me $10 and I'll find you a perfectly good pair of sweatpants from Value Village. You're on your own trying to get the Value Village smell out. I only agreed to find them and buy them for you.

I was forced to break my ban on Lululemon (I frequently place bans on places that offend me and then am forced to rescind the ban when my need becomes too great) when I took up the most embarrassing sport known to women. Curling. I am convinced that curling was invented by men so they could see just how huge our asses really are. Curling leaves a woman with very little pride. You get down into that hack (I just used the curling term "hack" here to impress my husband with my ever growing knowledge of curling terms) and you can't hide ANYTHING! So my friend told me I should just waddle on down to Lululemon and they would fix me up with some pants that would cover that whole mess up.

I went at the only time I figured I could buy something at a price low enough not to cause me to rant at one of the granola eating, non-armpit shaving, peace loving, employees. Boxing Day. They actually had a line outside the door with a velvet rope and a doorman. As soon as I made it inside I grabbed some of those fancy Groove Pants and headed to the changing room. I have to confess that I was expecting something pretty spectacular for that price. My sister claims that it hides every problem area. She lied. My laughter could be heard over the din of shoppers. Those suckers didn't hide anything. They actually accentuated every nasty flaw I had and I discovered a few new ones I hadn't known about.

I made another cruise around the store and headed for the clearance rack. That is where I found them. Something I hadn't seen since the 80's. No, not the Thompson Twins. Stirrup pants! Stirrup pants in all their glory. Yes, Lululemon makes stirrup pants. I snapped those suckers up and bravely faced the changing room again. It was then and there that I had my Lululemon moment. They fit, they hid, and they didn't ride up my leg. As well, they have this handy roll up waist that goes mid-back so I no longer have to suffer the agony of curling crack. And you know what? Those things only cost me $29 a pair. So I bought 3.

So, now I am a fat chick who gets to wear sweatpants all the time. Lululemon has not inspired me to become athletic but they have provided me with an inner peace that is supposed to come from yoga. I'm pretty pleased with that.