Thank God I'm Not Getting Any Younger!

The kids I teach always seem surprised that I have little desire to be their age again. I proudly tell them how old I am and openly cringe at the thought of having to experience those horrific teenage years again. Why? Well, let me give you a list of the reasons I love getting older:

1. I am old enough to buy my own booze and when I do it isn't with change I've pilfered off of my Dad's dresser. As well, what I do buy is way better quality.

2. I never have to wonder if "He" will call cause he sleeps right next to me and knows he better call because I have the power to make his life miserable.

3. I never have to get ready for another date and I don't have to pretend that my date is funny when he isn't. I also never have to feign interest in topics of conversations that would come up on dates. If I'm bored now, I just leave the room.

4. My job does not require me to say "Do you want fries with that?"

5. When I put weird outfits together now, people just think I'm quirky. When you're a teen you are always one weird outfit away from being totally ostracized from the rest of the population.

6. I can buy as many chocolate bars as I want and eat them all in one sitting if I want. I mean, I wouldn't but it is nice to know that I can.

7. When I ridicule someone now I can use way bigger words!

8. If I really don't want to do something I am now cagey enough to get out of it. A skill most teens don't have.

9. If I see somebody being a total shit monkey to another person, I'm big and mean enough to stop them.

10. I, very rarely, have to run my own errands. This was a teenage dream that I shared with my friend Cheryl. We are both lucky enough now to have errand runners. When you're a teen you're constantly running errands for everyone. You're just a lackey!

11. If I REALLY want to go there, I can go there.

12. I never have to wear makeup again. Frankly, the stuff scares my husband and makes him think I'm up to something. The undertaker might slap some on me but at that point I'll just be happy I'm not the one having to apply the darn stuff.

13. I can afford WAY better shoes!

14. My hearing is starting to go in one ear, so that means that I only hear half of the stupid stuff people are saying.

15. I am quickly approaching what I call the "fist shaking" stage of my life. This is when you get to open your front door, shake your fist, and yell rude things at the neighbourhood children. Who wouldn't want that!

So bring on the support hose and false teeth. Oh yeah, false teeth! Teeth you can remove to brush. How cool is that?!

Conditional Love

Conditional love is a pretty odd concept to normal families. Explaining it to folks who have grown up in a stable family environment can be complicated. They look at me in a confused manner wondering what planet I'm from and what kind of environment I was hatched in. It seems simple to me, but I was raised in it so I'm halfway versed in the intricacies. For the uninformed, conditional love is as follows: when you have been deemed worthy of love by parents and siblings... you get it. What is required to be deemed worthy changes constantly and requires a manual to understand. At 42 I STILL don't understand ALL the rules attached. It is a constant, painful, learning experience.

I was convinced, for a long time, that I was the only person that experienced this phenomena, but as I get older I have come to realize that there are a lot of other bruised souls walking around living in this strange predicament. We, as a society, are force fed images of normal families who love each other and communicate with ease. This, in my opinion, is a myth for a large amount of the population. We watch talk shows that tell us that we should constantly forgive the nasty things that our families do to us. I say BULL! There comes a time when you need to say that enough is enough. You can't pick your family but you can sure as hell walk away from one that treats you like a doormat. Some relationships can't be fixed and aren't worth the constant energy it takes to try.

Thankfully, I married a man who comes from a TOTALLY normal family. Sometimes, I swear he grew up in some 50's sitcom because his family seems so unreal. They love without condition and it took me a long time to get used to that concept. The love his parents give to me, their son, and their grandchildren never changes. It is constant and dependable. I don't think I can ever thank them enough for this. Mostly, it is my husband that amazes me. He is the one who has helped me to open my eyes to the dysfunction junction that is my family. By doing that, he has helped to set me free. Because of him, I know I am worth more and deserve more. I shouldn't have to beg at the table for scraps of love from my family. Neither should anybody else. If you aren't getting what you deserve, walk away. Find a new family. You can make your own. I have come to realize that I have done just that. I have made a new family. I have surrounded myself with the love of my husband's family, my wonderful children, my fantastic husband, and my incredible friends. My new family loves me without condition.

If this resembles your situation in any way, I encourage you to run! Find something normal. You deserve it. Be the best person you can be and ignore the bad press you've been getting. Life is too short to dance this dance. Sit this one out! Find some new partners and embrace something more worthwhile. I know I will!

Keith & Andrew's Excellent Adventure

My husband recently had a to travel to Hong Kong on business. After much discussion, and more than a few concerns, we decided to let our 14 year son go with him. My husband is the sweaty guy on the left. Pictures really do tell a thousand words. My husband is the shade of a tomato and his shirt looks like it has been tattooed on. Meanwhile, the Boy looks as cool as a cucumber.



My husband was more than a little upset with me over this whole trip issue. He knew he had to go to Hong Kong way back in February. I told him to hold off until July, if he could, so I could go along with him. He happily complied. As the date got closer, I thought I would check on weather conditions in Hong Kong in July. Turns out the temperature sits at around 40 C and the humidity sits at close to 100. No way was I going! The only thing that stops me from becoming a mass murderer in summer is my air conditioner. I'm not joking. I have been known to fly into an uncontrollable rage if the car air conditioning doesn't kick in fast enough. So, not only was I not going but my husband was going to have to tolerate that weather because of my addiction to my air conditioner.



I made sure I packed plenty of clean underwear for them and sent them on their way. Turns out-I had made the right call. No sooner had they landed and the Facebook messages started about the heat. After a few days of heat complaints, things got ugly. I would log on to talk to them both in the early evening. The two of them would be sitting in the same room (no doubt scowling at each other) as they typed nasty things about each other. Nothing was off limits and thanks to modern technology I was able to moderate arguments on another continent. They complained how the other one smelled, how much the other one liked to argue, how unfair the other one was being. It was pretty darn funny to me because I wasn't there...thank God!


I was starting to get a little discouraged for two reasons: all the cash to send the boy and all he could do was complain about his Dad and they would be coming home and I'd have to listen to this stuff in person which would take some of the glow off the gifts I anticipated getting. Then...a miracle. Hot and tired they decided to head to a mall. My son spotted a sign for a rink. They looked at each other: two Canadian boys far from home and each hoped it was the right kind of rink. Andrew sprinted ahead and ran back with the news that it was a SKATING RINK IN THE MIDDLE OF HONG KONG! They slipped out of their sandals and slid into their rented skates, sans socks, and skated for 20 glorious minutes. They were giants as they broke all the safety rules and screamed by little kids pushing big plastic peguins for support.

Funny, but those 20 minutes on the ice managed to save the last little bit of their vacation. It's one of their favorite memories of the trip and in the end the trip did what it was supposed to: reminded them they still like each other.

My Mother-In-Law

This is my Mother-in-Law, Linda. The one on the left. This picture scared me a bit because I realized we look a bit alike. I was thinking my husband and I should look a little closer at the old family tree to see if we are related. Our possible biological connection isn't the topic here. It's Linda.

I was married for the first time at the ripe old age of 19. It was the longest 6 months of my life. One of the reasons it was so brutal was because my first Mother-in-Law was Satan's handmaiden. I'm not joking-that woman was so evil it wasn't even funny. I could write a whole book on all the nasty stuff she pulled....maybe I'll save that for another time. I have to be grateful though, she paid for the entire divorce. I only had to pay for the annulment. As a side note-annulments crack me up. For the low price of $400 dollars the Catholic Church declared that I had never been married. Despite the fact that the Church said she was never my Mother-in-Law, I still have nightmares about her and harbour a deep, dark desire to smack her.

When I made the decision that my current husband was going to marry me, whether he liked it or not, I was a bit afraid because I knew I would have to deal with another MIL. I confess to being absolutely terrified about meeting her. My husband had shared a ton of stories about Linda and in all of them she came off as some kind of superwoman. It was with much trepidation that I made the long drive to Transcona (or as I call it-the Motherland) to meet her for the first time. Entering into that house was like stepping into some 50's sitcom. She was perfect, organized, and highly protective of her cub. We danced around each other for a fair amount of time. We are both pretty strong and opinionated (of course I have learned that Linda's opinions are usually the right ones and I call her for advice on big stuff). I admit we got into some scrapes...mostly because I didn't know what to do with how absolutely normal, loving, accepting, and giving she was. I didn't grow up with a mother like that so she kind of caught me off guard.

Linda is truly an amazing woman and I couldn't ask for a better grandmother for my children. She has made my kid's Halloween costumes, sewed all sorts of special blankets that they cherish like crazy, made them amazing birthday cakes, read to them, made Christmas cookies with them, attended more of my kid's sporting events then I have, sends them postcards from everyplace she goes for vacation, always seems to get just the right gift, makes every holiday special, and (most importantly) loves them unconditionally.

Linda has also been an incredible mother to me. I really hit the jackpot with her. She has always encouraged me, helped me when I needed it in any way she could, given me an example of what a mother and wife should be, bought me great Christmas sweaters, brought me back nasty thick rum from Cuba, gave me countless tips on cooking without even knowing it, didn't put up too much of a fight when her son said he was marrying me, turned a blind eye when I've raided her freezer and eaten her dainties, and (I like to think) has loved me unconditionally....except when she has wanted to smack me for something stupid I've done.

I hope I can be half the Mother-in-Law she has been. And don't get any ideas...she's mine and I'm not sharing.

Live in the Now Man

We have become a society that waits. Folks sit around waiting for things to be just so. When things are just so, they figure they can really start living. When they get that expensive car they have been waiting for or when they get that fantastic house they have been holding out for, everything will be gravy. That always makes me kinda sad. People waiting to get before they can live. Life is now. Life is right in front of us and it is truly delicious. I know a ton of people who spend their time shopping, waiting, and wanting to get everything they think they need and I want to smack them. Put your credit card away and sit. Just sit and enjoy. Take a look around you. Now take a deep breath. It doesn’t matter what season it is. If you are sitting and relaxing and you take a great big nose full-it will smell great. Clear your mind of all the wants and needs that you think you have and drink in the day (or night). I think that most folks are filled with sadness because of that long list of things they think they need. It honesty sucks my will to live when people talk about their fancy new cars or newly built and professionally decorated monster houses. I start to clue out and think of potato chips as they describe all the little soul sucking details. Today I am enjoying a long list of very simple things:

• A good cheesy romance novel I took out from the library
• A beautiful sunny day that deepened the old summer tan
• An awesome dinner of meatloaf and mashed potatoes
• A badly groomed shih tzu who just wants to cuddle on my lap
• The joy of looking at the kids I made (with a little help of course)
• A really good rum and coke made by my extraordinary husband
• The idea of slipping into my bed in a cabin that needs a fair amount of TLC, which I won’t lose a minute sleep over

I also believe that in order to start living and enjoy the little things, you need to clean house. Not literally-don’t be crazy! I mean you have to get rid of the things that make you miserable. I have always been fascinated with the way people will keep folks in their life even when these folks make them unhappy. If somebody’s sole purpose is to take pleasure in making you feel bad- show them the door and tell them not to let it hit them in the ass on their way out. Just because you’ve known somebody since you were in diapers doesn’t mean you should give them a pass for every stinky thing they do to you. You have the right to be treated with respect and to be loved unconditionally (unless you’re one of those Predators I just saw in that movie-they don’t deserve to be loved unconditionally).

There is nothing wrong with guarding your happiness like Lindsay Lohan guards her cocaine stash. Clean out your trash, set limits regarding how much shitty behavior people in your life can get away with, and start enjoying the right now. Trust me-you're worth it.

Real Friends Carbo Load

Maintaining female friendships is like walking barefoot through a weedy lawn. You never know when you'll step on thistles so you have to pick your steps carefully with the full knowledge that one wrong move and you'll be screaming in pain. Women don't fathom why men don't understand us better. Can you blame them? We don't understand each other, so men don't have a hope in hell.

Remember way back to grade school? Remember hanging out with groups of girls who you could never trust? Remember them turning on you in a flash? Remember that awful feeling of being totally alone as your former friends turned their backs on you? This is the reason why I, for the most part, picked male friends. They were pretty hard to offend, they were always fun, and they knew how to keep a secret.

One of my very best friends was a boy I met in third grade. His name was Derrol and as soon as our eyes met across the crowded classroom, we each knew we had found our partner in evil. There were no restrictive girl type rules on what we could or could not do. Nothing was off limits and our imagination ran wild with one new adventure after another. My memories of Derrol and all the ridiculous things we did together still make me laugh.

Our friendship carried on through the years and withstood years of separation when I moved to another province. Letters were exchanged and we would save our allowance to make periodic long distance calls. When I moved back at the age of 15, we picked up as if I had never left. It was during the summer between grade 11 and 12 that Derrol gave me a chance at something I had never had before: a friendship with a girl. He introduced his friend Cheryl to me before he left for a one year stint as an exchange student in Germany. I knew she was the one for me when she jumped on the idea for our first activity without Derrol: crashing a convention for lawyers. My theory was that it was a perfect place to meet men and she agreed. Our searching turned up nothing that day but I think we both realized that we had found something pretty special in each other.

Memories of our friendship have created a crazed mosaic that can only be interpreted by the two of us: school, our first apartment together, marriage, divorce, good and bad men, acts that bordered on the illegal, and death. Cheryl and I had stopped talking for a couple of years over something I'm sure neither of us can remember. It was during this time that Derrol gave us his final gift. We had all lost touch with Derrol for reasons that will remain private. One day Cheryl's mother saw his obituary in the newspaper. Cheryl called me to tell me and the pain I felt in that moment is something I'll never be able to describe. We slowly began to exchange phone calls and were able to find our way back to that friendship we used to share.

It has been years since Derrol passed away and Cheryl and I are back in the swing of things. Granted, we are bit too old for activities that border on the illegal and she tends to fall asleep on my couch when she visits (which puts a real crimp on anything that might take place after 9:00 pm). She is visiting this summer and I plan to put her down for an afternoon nap so I can take her for another late night skinny dip at my cabin. She told me that she had better stop eating carbs before the event. I informed her that with true friends one can carbo-load before skinny dipping and know that their secret is always safe. That's what good friends do.

Things I Thought About While Making My Class Watch A Boring Video

This afternoon I ran a documetary in my Geography class. Students are different than they used to be. Used to be that when students walked into a classroom and found out they were going to see a film, it made their week. Not anymore. Kids are jaded. They want a choice of new releases, hot buttered popcorn, chips, dip, and something to wash it down with. Even then they'll complain. So, I shouldn't be surprised that my students didn't fully appreciate The People Bomb. I had to shush them constantly as I cruised the internet.



I used my time wisely. I started to imdb all of my favorite movies. I decided that I should make a list of the 10 best and worst movies ever made. I feel I am very qualified to pass judgement in this area. I love movies. I'd kill to be a movie reviewer. I'd also kill to be a restaurant reviewer. I'd REALLY kill to be a movie/restaurant reviewer, but I don't think that job exists....yet. So here are my lists. I'll start with the best:

1. Sid and Nancy: Oddly enough, I fell madly in love with Sid. I think that was an indication of the trouble I was going to have with men (until I met my husband of course).
2. Gigi: I can never resist watching this movie when I catch it on television. I think I've seen it well over a hundred times. I know I should be offended. The whole movie is about peddling a young girl off as some rich guy's tart. Still......
3. Gia: I love this movie! Brutal warning to women who worship at the alter of beauty.
4. Domino Harvey: I don't know how this movie isn't on everybodies list. I mean, that whole lap dance scene is enough to make it a classic.
5. Black Hawk Down: I have worn out 3 discs of this movie-that is how much I love it. I can quote whole scenes if need be. Sadly, there never seems to be a need. I'm still trying to figure out a way to show this to students.
6. Scarface: My friend Cheryl and I had a horrible drinking game to go with this movie. It involved 2 litre bottles of coolers and oreo cookies for every death. We watched for different reasons: she wanted to be Elvira and I was in love with Tony. Once again, early indication of potential issues with picking men.
7. Shaun of the Dead: Shaun reminds me of two of my high school boyfriends. I love his dedication to saving his girlfriend, his mom, and his roomie. His whole zombie-safe-place plan is seriously flawed but I respect his desire to ensure cocktail service during a crisis.
8. The Family Stone: I know it is a major cheesy movie but I love it. I have a copy for the lake and for home. I cry every time. I went to see it the first time with my two lovely nieces and we thought it was going to be a full on comedy. We were a bit ashamed when we kept breaking out in tears. Little eye contact was made upon exiting the theatre.
9. Super Troopers: I once dragged my friend Cheryl to the lake in the middle of winter so we could watch it at the cabin. I didn't have a copy here and it just seemed like the logical solution.
10. Trainspotting: Adults think that if we give kids long lectures on drug abuse they'll stay away from the stuff. I disagree. Show them Trainspotting. Best anti-drug movie every made. Brillant movie and a brillant book.
    

Now for the stinkers:

1. Avatar: Haven't seen it but I hate it.
2. Titanic: Are you kidding me? This movie was so horrible. I was actually cheering for the iceberg by the end.
3. Twilight: We ended up watching this at the lake when we realized we had seen every other movie at the rental place. My daughter was 16 then and even she was gagging. This movie is beyond stupid and it is every guidance counselor's nightmare. They get to deal with hundreds of girls who think that this is romance. It really does border on an abusive relationship. Rankles my feminist side.
4. Dances with Wolves: Yes, the Lakota really needed Kevin Costner to help them find buffalo. Note to Kevin Costner: read a book you moron!
5. Once Upon a Time in Mexico: This movie stunk in 2 languages. I was forced to go see it with a woman who picked movies based on what the actor looked like. It was 2 hours of hell. I asked them to turn the sound off but they weren't biting.
6. Blue Velvet: This movie was 5 kinds of crazy. I watched it in 1986 and I'm still trying to figure out what it was about.
7. Meet the Fockers: Really? This guy wants to marry this woman after meeting this family? If your future father-in-law is that crazy, you run. I should have taken this advice when I met my first mother-in-law.
8. I am Legend: Did they really have to kill the dog? That ruined the whole movie for me. Shame on you Scientologist Will Smith!
9. Any of those American Pie sequels: Know when to say no!
10. Lorenzo's Oil: I think only 20 people have ever seen this movie. I think 18 of them were people related to people in the movie. My husband and I are the other two.

Like it or lump it-that is my list.