Death Match: Predator vs Barney

I freely admit that I mother by the seat of my pants. I'm pretty easy going about most things and leave my kids a fair amount of wiggle room. Despite this fairly lax attitude in most areas, I do have one hot spot. One area I refused to give on. Barney. My kids were not allowed to watch Barney.

Oh, I turned it on a couple of times to check it out but I could literally feel myself getting stupider. If it could affect me that quickly, imagine what it would do to my two innocent children. No, Barney was just plain evil. Don't even get me started on the Wiggles. If you want to have your kids watch a show with gay men on T.V., switch to Queer Eye for the Straight Guy because the Wiggles just give kids the wrong impression. No self-respecting gay man would drive around in a car like that, wearing sweaters like that, singing songs like that. Enough said.

So what is a stay at home mother to do if she boycotts Barney and shows of the same ilk? (Yes, I was a stay at home mom for years and stay at home moms, no matter what they tell you, need to flip on the old blue eyed babysitter once in awhile.) I made the decision that it was time for Predator to make its premiere in our home. Now, some would say that Predator is way too violent for young children to watch and that it will lead to horrible nightmares. I say the nightmares can't be any worse than those caused by some guy in a Barney suit singing that stupid "we all love everybody" song. I feel my kids have learned some very important lessons from Predator and I'm willing to list them:

1. Aliens are not nice and we should stop that whole trying to make contact with them.




2. You can be in a movie like Predator and still go on to be the governor of your state. Hell, Jesse "The Body" Ventura managed to do it after getting a basketball size hole blown through his gut in the movie. Now that's a lesson in perseverance!




3. You can use any of the handy booby trap tricks Arnold shows in the movie in case you are being pursued in the jungle.




4. Covering yourself in wet mud seems to make you invisible to those who are really angry and bent on hurting you. This could come in handy someday. One of your children might end up in a very unhappy marriage with a partner that picks on them constantly. Predator tells us that all you need to do is roll around in some backyard mud and you should become invisible to your overly aggressive partner. John should have used this tactic with Kate.




5. One character has a nervous habit of dry shaving with a pink razor when in stressful situations. This lets kids know that there is always time for good personal hygiene.




6. Predator only hunts those who are armed with weapons. This teaches kids that weapons are bad and owning one could cause a Predator attack. Now that's a good lesson!




7. Predator seems to really like going after those who hang around in large aggressive gangs. The guy on his own seems to have a better shot. Lesson learned? Gangs are bad and you should be your own person and that you don't need large groups of friends to feel safe. Large gangs make you a target for aliens.




8. Learning a second language is just a good idea. You never know when you might be stuck in some Central American jungle with a woman who only speaks Spanish while being pursued by an angry Predator. You don't want to get caught with your pants down on this one. My son is now learning Spanish for this reason alone.




9. Shooting willy nilly at nothing in particular is just a waste of ammunition. Actually, I learned this lesson in the Army Reserves but it is one that everybody should be reminded of now and then.




10. Arnold Schwarzenegger looks mighty fine sweaty and shirtless. Actually, that isn't a lesson for the kids. That was the just the bonus for me when I watched with the kids.

Christmas before last we went on a family trip with the kids to Puerto Vallarta`. We went zip lining at a location where they did a lot of the filming for the movie. Sort of a family pilgrimage. We had a hoot, except for when some guy dressed up as Predator jumped out of the jungle to scare me. I screamed like a woman possessed and almost knocked him out with my zip lining metal thinger. Lesson learned? Predator is very afraid of being hit by metal zip line thinger. Suffice to say that we would NOT have had the same fun on a visit to the Barney set.