The First Sign of Summer? Pea Salad!

I have foggy memories of eating this salad as a kid. Very foggy. My mother was into health food way before it became popular, so she NEVER would have made this. I must have sampled this ambrosia at some friend's house.



Whose mother grinds her own wheat for homemade bread? Mine! She also tried to pass off carob whole wheat cookies as chocolate chip cookies. This was just cruel and I'm sure she could have done time for child abuse if I had been strong enough to report her. My ridiculous fat and sugar free diet made it hard for me to gather the strength to dial 911. The woman used to buy this freshly ground peanut butter from the health food store. It tasted like wallpaper paste and had the same consistency. I used to dream of the day that I would be able to buy Kraft peanut butter and smear it on gooey white bread. I never even knew Wonder Bread made hamburger buns until I met my husband. My mother always made these uber whole wheat buns and that is what was served on hamburger night (Hamburger that she ground herself to control the fat content). The woman was mad!

This salad has no nutritional value. It has lettuce, tomatoes and peas but the cheese, bacon, and Miracle Whip cancel out the health benefits of the vegetables. Thank God! I make this all summer long at the cabin and it lasts about 1/2 hour each time. Competition can get ugly so you need to get in there fast and make sure you get a big enough portion.

To enjoy, follow these idiot proof instructions:

• Finely slice, wash, and spin the hell out of a head of iceberg lettuce. DO NOT use romaine. Ewwww!




• Layer the lettuce on the bottom of a clear bowl. The clear bowl is to ensure your guests Ohhh and Ahhh over your creative capabilities.




• Thinly slice purple onions and layer them on top of the lettuce.




• Add a layer of thawed frozen baby peas (one small bag should do it). I take them out of the freezer about 1/2 hour before I need them.




• Add a layer of diced tomatoes.




• Mix 2 cups of Miracle Whip (For God's sake don't use light!), 1 tablespoon of sugar, 3 tablespoons of cheap Parmesan cheese, and 2 tablespoons of milk. Layer that artistically over the tomatoes.




• Put a layer of shredded medium cheddar and follow that up with a lovely sprinkling of bacon bits.




• Hide it in the back of the fridge behind something disgusting so your family doesn't see it.




• Take your portion before you serve it to your family.

Enjoy!